they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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