I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
