She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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