Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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