so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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