my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
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Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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