I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
