I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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