How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
