Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
