One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
