I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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