im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
