When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
