Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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