I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
