I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
