I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
