i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I am midnight drunk by noon
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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