You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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