I wish I could punch you in the face.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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