if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
