If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
