I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
