so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
