I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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