Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
