I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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