hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
