Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
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That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Two words: blizzard sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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