My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
