you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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