Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
