How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
