I heard we made out
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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