I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
