i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
