If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
