god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
