onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.