just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess