So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
