Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
