I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
