Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
