Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
