in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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