my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
