our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
