I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
