I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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