I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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