Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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