Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
