can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
