If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
