I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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