Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
