You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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