Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
