remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
