Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
